Is it all worth it?

It’s been a rough few days and I’m wondering, what’s the point? I’ve been using an insulin pump for five weeks and my blood sugars are still all over the place. To try and determine why and when my blood sugars are unexpectedly spiking through the night, I’ve had to wake and test at 2am and 4am for the past four nights. The broken sleep is starting to take its toll. Very quickly I’ve become a blubbering, emotional wreck. I wake feeling like a shell of a person and frustrated that the night time testing hasn’t revealed anything! Is this all worth it?
Just as I begin to downward spiral I receive an article from my friend Julia (The invisibility of type 1 diabetes, by Riva Greenberg. Check it out below). Julia and I met in 2007 as we toured around Europe. We conquered 21 countries in 46 days, a pretty impressive adventure for a diabetic. For the past five years, she too has been living with type 1 diabetes. The article couldn’t have come at a better time, it reminded me why I’m doing this. I knew the first few months would be the hardest but if I can get through this, it’s got to lead to better control, better health and will reduce, even eliminate, the terrifying ‘invisible’ lows mentioned in the article.

Riva shares her story of staying with friends in London. As her husband and friends sleep she finds herself jet-lagged and disoriented on the bathroom floor, trying to correct a terrifying and possibly deadly hypo. Unfortunately many diabetics can relate to his, I certainly can!

As I played in the garden with my daughter Olive, then 10 months I laid down on the grass and closed my eyes, strangely overcome with tiredness. Why? Surely a quick nap in the sunshine would do the trick. Through the brain fog I realised my blood sugars must have been low and remembered the gate was open. If I kept my eyes shut and gave in to the low, who knows what would happen to my beautiful crawling toddler. But I was so tired…
I’m not sure how, but I manage to pull myself together and get us both inside to eat. Within 30 minutes I was back to normal.

The show must go on. The world keeps turning.

This week is no different. Even though I’m being battered by every high and every low, I must keep going. I will keep going, for my family and for every diabetic out there also fighting hard to master diabetes.